Where Are You Rooted?

“Maybe they’ve changed.”

“You never know.”

True.

The only thing I know, as opposed to what hundreds of years of spiritual teachings tell us, is who I am.  That is, who I am right now.  Who I have become.  And who I am becoming each moment.

Each moment when a dagger is thrown my way.  Each moment when my heart softens.  Each moment when I am thrown off course and the universe asks something new of me.

These are choice points.  And I see, clearly, who I am.

There is LOVE.  And there is death.  Everything in between is a choice.  Love is always a choice.  And death can surely be as well, but that is not where I choose to place my focus.  Of course, only deep love and compassion for those who have traveled that path.  Maybe they knew something we don’t know.  I don’t know.  The only thing I know is who I am right now.

*

I awakened during the night and thought to myself that I believe some people throw around the word “forgiveness” rather recklessly.  For some folks, it simply means moving on and just forgetting the past.  In my heart, I may actually be able to forgive these people, but I know that I will not be able to trust them.  No.  And that is MY CHOICE.  

For me, forgiveness is a deeply ROOTED process.  Rooted in something REAL.  Removing the tragic diagnosis of Alzheimer’s, which many have been touched by, “forgetting” can turn into a lack of existence, pure omission and neglect, or utter disregard.  I will even go so far as to claim emotional abandonment.  Which is why as Jewish people, we use the Hebrew word זכיר.  “REMEMBER.”  

For me, forgiveness is a daily practice.  During my most recent surgery, just as I was being prepped for anesthesia, my nurse told me that my heart was strong, like that of an athlete.  Given how sedentary I have been, I was nonplussed.  But then I realized HOW I have been working my practice and I quickly realized how right she was.  

Through my practice, the walls of my heart must come down NO MATTER HOW DEEP the injury.  Through my practice, I must walk through that injury until I know what must be cleared.  Where I played a part.  Where I am holding onto blame.  Where I hurt.  WHERE I HURT.  WHERE I HURT.  What the actual cause of hurt is.  Because it is NEVER the obvious one.  For me, it NEVER is.  

This morning I was listening to Dr. Maya Angelou.  She reflected a truth which I hold inside.  

“What is the basis of your forgiveness?” she was asked.

“Mine is love.”  she replied.  “Where I do not trust is those who just say let’s just forget and move on.”

Maybe it is part of my blood.  Maybe it is my intuition.  Maybe it is who I have become.  But this is a place where I trust myself.

I have begun to see that there is a real difference between MOVING ON and FORGIVENESS.

As far as I am concerned.  If healing has occurred, then no matter how painful, you have it within you to speak about it.  Maybe with a team of support, but it is possible.  It is possible because you have done the work to get yourself there.  

As I said earlier, love is a choice.  Dr. Angelou said, “Love saves me and it saves us all.”

With each breath, no matter how hard it may be, I choose to sit in love.

What will you choose?

God bless.

5.19.13

Jill Bacharach