Well, my day began with reading words by Brené Brown. A beautiful sign. Wow, how I love what that woman is consistently contributing!
Today was also the first day I had bodywork in many years. Probably seven years. My spinal surgeon had finally cleared me some months back, but my medical bills were (and remain) an enormous obstacle I simply could not see my way clear of.
So today, I crossed a huge threshold. I worked with a tremendously gifted woman of depth and heart who is an Aryurvedic practitioner and the gift to me could not have been more meaningful, nor more helpful.
The grip of pain in my body was obvious. The grief I am holding began to release as soon as we were in the room together. And it was clear to her that everything I needed was around nurturance. Nurturing food, nurturing people, nurturing stimulation.
I was deeply distracted by my deepest source of physical pain, wanting only for that to be addressed (knowing this would be a practice of giving my “whole” body full attention), until I was no longer distracted. And it was the first time in, well, it isn’t quantifiable, actually, that I had a respite from pain. Flashback, before entering my spinal surgery and Desirée Rumbaugh held my head in her hands with so much care and trust... ahhhh... yes, I remember it well. (That’s from “Gigi.”) THAT (!!!) was the last time I had a respite.
The act of surrender was challenging for my body, not to mention my mind. I told my compatriot that I would need numerous gentle reminders (perhaps 'till she was blue in the face) to guide a leg sitting in a hip socket which had been reconstructed many times, to let go in her hands. She participated with the deepest respect and care. Each time.
When I returned home, a cycle began which I have been trying to get out of. And as soon as I asserted a boundary which I needed, one of "in-gathering," (or the limb of Yoga called “Pratyahara,” withdrawal of the senses) and it was perceived and responded to as something else, upon receiving the response, I walked right into the door frame of one of my rooms.
I saw the sign at the beginning of the day. It was direct from Brené. But did I really need the smack to my skull to remind me of my birthright? Just after receiving so much deeply held careful attention?
Dr. Douglas Brooks says, “I am 100% responsible for what I say but you are 100% responsible for what you hear.”
That’s actually how it goes, isn’t it? Or at least we must realize that is how it goes. Unless we are in a continual process of asking each other, “What did you hear me just say?” “Can you please reflect it back to me...” - We can never know if the person we are communicating with is actually participating in the same conversation WE THINK we are having with them.
But that is simply exhausting, and why some relationships are easy and why others challenge us like a championship sport.
That is why I am grateful that I woke up to this sign. Brené had said the same words during one of the LIFECLASS shows she did on OWN which originally aired on October 7, 2013.
My contemplation now is what do we do when we are trying to get it “right” with those who are still riding shotgun? Or backseat drivers? How many times can you ask a person to tend to his or her work and not smack yourself in the head?
What are the terms when the terms agreed upon, continually get broken?
Can we be heard by one who is riding shotgun until s/he isn’t?
I don't know the answer to these questions, but upon crossing my threshold today, I was told something I had never been told before about myself. I was told I am fragile.
I understood this from a different perspective. Bone deep. Which is probably why I smacked my skull. My hardest, most resilient part. But it really hurt and it left a bruise.
I have been accustomed to hearing reflections of myself of strength and courage and love and tender-heartedness, loyalty and ferocity, resilience, and... and...
But this word was new. And important for me to ingest.
Signs from all corners.
I am grateful to be able to recognize something new which must be tended to.
The signs are everywhere.
Thank you, Brené. Thank you Ivy. Thank you Desirée. Thank you Douglas. For your words.
May we all find ways to infuse the words we use with great skill and intention.