Grounds for Sculpture

Grounds for Sculpture

Monday, May 19, 2014


“Do you miss each other when you are apart?” I asked my beloved friend.

“No,” she said, “I will see him tomorrow night!” 

I closed my eyes with a deep sense of knowing. And I was giggling inside. 

And wouldn’t you know it, the man across the table from us (who lives in Pennsylvania) was sustaining an eight year relationship with a woman who lives in Korea. 

At that point, I was really beginning to giggle inside my head like you couldn’t even imagine. By that I mean, an entire Joan Rivers act was emerging which was, if I must say, UTTERLY genius! 

“So that’s how you keep from KILLING EACH OTHER?”

“So that’s what happens when you’re with someone who says ‘I need space!’ You end up on separate continents instead of separate beds!”

I went on and on and I was completely cracking myself up.

I started creating a whole stand-up act which was really funny and I actually imagined myself going on tour. But then I thought, “I wonder how the audience would feel if I cried on stage?” Haaah haaah! I really thought that because I really felt that!


Truthfully, I deeply admire people who are able to sustain a relationship.

When two people want two really different things which are total deal breakers… oy vey.

What my friend said really cracked me up because I can relate. And Korea? Maybe that is extreme, but maybe that is the secret for some folks! After William Holden passed on, Stephanie Powers’ next relationship was with a man who lived on another continent! So? 

What’s going on inside of me is that I am trying to heal so much darn grief. From there, I do not want to “need” or play out any of the hurt I feel in a relationship. NO. JUST NOOOOOOO! I just won’t do that.


I recently worked with a coach who informed me that studies are showing that people who are with community, live longer and healthier lives. Yet, Susan Cain, who has done comprehensive research on introverts, states, “Solitude matters. And for some people it is the air they breathe.” Susan also says that 1/3 to 1/2 of the population are introverts and “When it comes to creativity and to leadership, we NEED introverts doing what they do best.” 

Our culture is very biased and not designed to support introverts. And there is a very big difference between being lonely and being introverted.

I can grieve and I can also not feel alone. I can be deeply needing to work out my grieving process as I need to, independent of others, which actually feels intrusive and smothering to me. And then when I am ready, I can ask for contact and connection.  

Most people find this terribly puzzling. 
But as Oriah Mountain Dreamer teaches (in "The Invitation") (a question for others) 
“I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.” 


It’s not one I feel self-righteous about, but it is certainly one I try to live by. Wholeheartedly. Daily. And then if I haven’t. I try again. And again. 

Because years ago, before my beloved friend was getting married, I remember when she was a teeny bit afraid. And she said “I come to you whole, and you come to me whole, and from that place, we meet each other and say 'Nice to meet you!'”


Thank you.

What about you?


Or right here?

With no need to miss each other. 



Jill Bacharach