Some things I learned this year:
If I want to show up, I need to find my footing.
“Strong back, soft front.”
Compassion is a hard earned practice.
You can save your own life by putting the time in.
Save your body. Save your heart. Save your energy. And love even deeper. Love yourself and love others.
Loving yourself is where it’s at. It is a roadmap to healing. To recovery. To your vulnerabilities and to your non-negotiable places.
Much of this being human is accepting life on life’s terms. Like the weather. You can prepare all you want, but when the storm comes, it’s about how and who you are during the storm that counts.
You can try to fight, but the storm is going to come when it comes and it will leave when it leaves.
It’s also about how long you stay with what has already moved away.
*
Prayer is medicine.
My favorite prayers come in whispers.
May I meet this moment fully.
May I meet this moment with love.
May I meet this moment as a friend.
I brought this to many situations that came my way.
When met with challenging individuals, I began to shift from “fuck you” to “bless you.” In my moments of blessing, I began to see and say, “I am you.” “Thank you.” And through those blessings, I was blessing myself with love. And ultimately, I began thanking each person for helping me grow.
In doing so repeatedly, and with practice, I felt my heart soften and open and help me remember more and more about what I valued as important.
I asked myself where I was resistant to love. Where I was resistant to forgiveness. Where I was resistant to opening… and I stayed curious in those places… and those things began to shift again and again.
I worked on my amends. I worked on them steadily fiercely and ferociously.
My life was forever changed. My heart grew exponentially.
In working on the steps, I excavated a lot of trauma, no question. However, I also built within me, a greater capacity for resilience and steadiness and compassion. And even when I would feel a new hurt or harm, I would no longer carry that hurt or harm forward.
There are two areas, however, that I still must account for which need ongoing love, and practice:
abandonment and trust
These two places still lay naked and tender inside of me and have many walks ahead of them before they can properly rest.
One thing I see clearly is that I have not abandoned myself and that I trust myself deeply.
Another is that I have begun to place my faith and trust in god and believe that god loves me exactly as I am which is a profoundly healing elixir.
Just as I was forever changed by my amends, that shift began even before it began. The reason for that was that it began on a soul level. It is the same with god. A tectonic shift is happening in my soul where the ego has no say. There is no place for the ego to get jammed up.
A soul healing has begun and I have peace.
Peace.
Forgiveness.
And love in places that melt me honor me hold me guide me strengthen me
Carry me.
May it be so.
Happy Soberversary to me.
March 27, 2021
Jill Bacharach
