"Setback Shmetback!"

Another setback today.

Time to take whatever time it is going to take.  

To heal.  

To re-set.

What I noticed was that I felt the deepest constriction around my heart.  And as soon as that happened, a dear and beloved friend showed up with flowers and a hug.  I had just planted the seed (and wrote) about calling in “back-up,” and then my friend showed up.  She hadn’t even read the post.  

It was another sign to me that I am being held in this universe.  That I am not alone.  That there are whispers around me listening.  Speaking.  Even asking.

For me, it is great wisdom to listen to these whispers.

So setback, shmetback.  That’s a “Jewish” colloquialism for “nonsense!”

The thing is, she’s worried about me.  She thinks I’m slipping away.  

I know that we each see things through our own lenses.  And my friend’s nickname for me has always been “TIGER.”  She has always loved my push-back, my feistiness, my “fight.”  And most especially, my growl.  Seeing me barely able to walk and with so many new grey, no... SILVER hairs, so prominent, with tears in my eyes, without the TIGER’S GROWL, made for a presentation she’s become far too unaccustomed to seeing.  And so often, people need for us to be who they want us to be for them.  It’s not always “right” or “fair,” but it’s not our work to sort out the projection.  For example, if Julie Andrews can no longer sing, the stance I would take would be to love her wholly and completely and bow to the transition she has to make in her identity of no longer being able to use her voice in the same way.  

So back to my friend...

When she closes letters, emails or text messages to me, she simply uses the letter “T.”  “I love you, T.”  “Good night, T.”  etc.  It reminds me of my favorite tennis player and his coach: Rafa Nadal and his uncle Tony.  So I AM uncle Tony, the Coach.

The first time I ever TRULY felt support in my life from a friend was from my Chaverah... when she uttered the words, “let me be strong for you.”  

I feel like this is what being Uncle Tony endows me with... being strong for others.  And showing up with silver hairs and gripping in physical pain, was something “Rafa” became very unsure of.  So “he” asked me to do something very big for “him.”  Even though I thought I had nothing in me to give.  What I found out was that Uncle T always has a little growl left.

The universe listens and when it does, it bounces back and it provides.

As dramatic as it may sound, it’s like the critical moment when the heart shows up for the person who needs a heart transplant.  The heart is there to give life because it wants nothing more than to keep beating.  It needs to.  That is its sole purpose, its karma.

I may not WANT to give right now, but my soul may still need to do so as part of its karma or as part of the karma it needs to resolve with the souls of those it chooses to love.  

So setback shmetback.  While my body is doing what it is doing, my soul may be here to do something else.

But truth be told: my body needs rest.  Uncle Tony needs a big ole nap!

Not only a nap, but also to give up some of my inner “fight.”  It’s not depression.  It’s not a “slipping away.”  It’s a stripping away.  

There are places where I go within myself that unless you go there as well, you cannot be comfortable holding the space for me to go there, and you will see that turning in as something other than it truly is.  

These are challenging places to go into, but they are essential to my healing.  But I am listening to the most inherent whispers of my spirit.  And what I know now is that I have “back-up” if I need it, that my heart wants to keep beating strong and as the Indigo Girls sang in a recent song, “If I hold you to my ear, I can hear the whole world.”

I plan to keep listening closely because I think it’s where the good stuff is.

God bless.

12.12.11

Jill Bacharach