My teacher Desiree asked me what else I might consider doing during this time of my recovery. The question came at time when I was feeling particularly tender and vulnerable. And I didn’t really want to think too hard about how to dig inside and what other parts of myself I could pull out.
But I push. I want to be pushed (emotionally). I want to be pushed even when I don’t want to be pushed. And so I know this question was a true act of love.
One of the things I do is I push back when I feel pushed. Initially. I may not demonstrate the “push back,” but I will certainly feel the urge. It’s my first response. Some people bang their heads against the wall, before they attempt to climb over it, right? (I’m hearing my friend say, “God Jill, sometimes I wonder how your mind works.”)
For some years I decorated yoga pants. At first, I did a few for myself and then after continual compliments, I began to make them as gifts. There were a few teachers I offered to make them for who weren’t too receptive and my “pushy Jew” nature had to just back off and understand that they simply wouldn’t wear them and that was just the way it was. Nothing personal. Just personal preference.
Many people asked me to sell the pants but I always refused. And on a few occasions, when a few folks requested that I make pants for them, I asked that they provided me with the pant and some t-shirts which I could cut up in order to get the process started rather than continually destroying my own personal wardrobe.
I refused to sell the pants because many of the gifts I created were created out of clothing which I purchased or owned and in all of the ways I truly know myself, I would never charge what I actually spent (and please do me a favor- DON’T ASK)! I know I should use my words wisely (because I am committed to that on a personal level), but I am grounded in reality, and neither would anyone pay for the price that went into the garments. Not everyone who likes them is aware of the couture lines which I cut to shreds and reconfigured just to make hip new designs.
as I have always pushed back against the idea of selling my pants, I actually stopped making them entirely because the suggestion kept coming (and I pushed back against that but GOOD and shut down) and I was running out of great looking clothing to cut up.
When Des asked me the “existential” question, I didn’t want to answer it and I recalled the sewing and the agonizing process I go through (because I take it very seriously) and how my pup always finds a way to lay right down on the pants I’m making whenever I am setting up a design... and I realized that my main reason for “pushing back” was that I simply don’t have the money to spend buying new clothes to cut up.
So I put out a call for help. And so far, the response has been favorable. People want to help me. I feel very humbled by this. Because first of all, I know I need the help, second, it is not my “habit” to ask for it, and third, to see that the desire is there to help me truly moves me especially now when I am needing to tend to much healing.
Still, I must admit, I am noticing that I am “pushing back” against this help a bit and I am concerned. I find my mind saying that I may still have to go out and buy new couture anyway because I have a very particular vision. And in creating, in case anyone is interested in the process, I also have a vision that comes through when all of the chaos is before me. It’s like a crazy puzzle that leaps out to find me... and truth be told, it’s hard work.
My teacher, Christina says “the seat of the teacher is held by the group. We take turns.” It is here, in this moment, that I am beginning to feel this truth. And I couldn’t possibly have come to it without stepping into the invitation, stepping into something which is inherently, not my nature. To have an outpouring of people who may or may not send me one or two t-shirts which may or may not be of inspiration.
It feels “safe” for me to receive this help from near and far by way of the internet. Through letters and emails. I can keep my heart in a safe place. But what I know is that this is still a very big step for me. A big step for a yogin who has been saying “go away a little closer” for 43 years.
Held by the group. Held by the group.
I am in a threshold right now of in between places. And I could use a little holding. But so far, I think all I can handle is the virtual hold even though I truly need the real kind.
It is a fundamental belief which lives inside of me that “love is behavior.” I live inside this belief and I execute it as my life path.
What I wish to say here, is “thank you.”
Thank you for holding me.
Thank you for the love. Thank you to my Ambassadors of love.
And, big sigh, thank you for the “push.”
To continuing on the path of “taking turns,” Godspeed.