I believe that I have been in a spiritual crisis and that life is presenting me with many many challenges to help me clear up as much of my karma as possible.
It is hard work.
Sometimes pain has turned into more pain along the way.
I am trying everything I can to seek out less invasive options before choosing to have another surgery which was advised to me by two surgeons (which I actually do trust), and the other day, while getting an acupuncture treatment, even though I am experiencing far too much pain in my body, all of the needles went in without a hitch.
All but one. I asked what that particular point signified.
“Letting go of pain.” my practitioner whispered.
It is not at all ironic that that is my most painful place. My hardest place. My deepest place of holding. It may even my deepest place of wounding.
Recently my beloved teacher Desiree, held me in so much safety and love and was offering me actual moments of relief. She asked for me to let go. When she asked me how it felt, I searched inside and replied, “Unfamiliar.” She said that this was an answer she hadn’t heard before.
Letting go means you must surrender. Of course. Letting go when you are gripping in pain is not an easy thing to do. Letting go of emotional pain which lives inside of your body also gets stored up as a holding which no one can release FOR YOU. It is an act of will which must come from an act of tenderness. Not force.
It is a choice. And sometimes that choice of letting go of that particular pain... is so painful because it is the ONLY remnant OF HOLDING we “think” we have left of love. Even if that love has harmed us. Even if that love was our very own Armageddon.
So how do we do it?
I don’t know exactly, but I know that, for me, it has to be counter to everything I have tried before.
I know I must keep going to the “unfamiliar” places.
I must keep speaking to god. Because going to this person and that person and this workshop and that workshop has not brought me to the place I need to release from.
Sitting with my soul and speaking from there... crying from there. Asking from there. Has brought me to some of my most powerful and deepest places of truth and has also been my most difficult task. But it was also without gripping.
I am not frightened of what hurts inside of me. But somehow, the hurt still lives inside of me.
And so... I am working on this. Crisis either wakes you up or takes you out.
I have much work ahead of me. This is truly my deepest letting go and I am trying with everything I have. From every strong place. From every soft place. From every place of mercy, from every place inside of me that has met the real meaning of that word.
It is going to take the time it will take.
But as my teacher Christina advises, I am determined to “keep going.”