“Maybe they’ve changed.”
“You never know.”
The only thing I know, as opposed to what hundreds of years of spiritual teachings tell us, is who I am. That is, who I am right now. Who I have become. And who I am becoming each moment.
Each moment when a dagger is thrown my way. Each moment when my heart softens. Each moment when I am thrown off course and the universe asks something new of me.
These are choice points. And I see, clearly, who I am.
There is LOVE. And there is death. Everything in between is a choice. Love is always a choice. And death can surely be as well, but that is not where I choose to place my focus. Of course, only deep love and compassion for those who have traveled that path. Maybe they knew something we don’t know. I don’t know. The only thing I know is who I am right now.
I awakened during the night and thought to myself that I believe some people throw around the word “forgiveness” rather recklessly. For some folks, it simply means moving on and just forgetting the past. In my heart, I may actually be able to forgive these people, but I know that I will not be able to trust them. No. And that is MY CHOICE.
For me, forgiveness is a deeply ROOTED process. Rooted in something REAL. Removing the tragic diagnosis of Alzheimer’s, which many have been touched by, “forgetting” can turn into a lack of existence, pure omission and neglect, or utter disregard. I will even go so far as to claim emotional abandonment. Which is why as Jewish people, we use the Hebrew word זכיר. “REMEMBER.”
For me, forgiveness is a daily practice. During my most recent surgery, just as I was being prepped for anesthesia, my nurse told me that my heart was strong, like that of an athlete. Given how sedentary I have been, I was nonplussed. But then I realized HOW I have been working my practice and I quickly realized how right she was.
Through my practice, the walls of my heart must come down NO MATTER HOW DEEP the injury. Through my practice, I must walk through that injury until I know what must be cleared. Where I played a part. Where I am holding onto blame. Where I hurt. WHERE I HURT. WHERE I HURT. What the actual cause of hurt is. Because it is NEVER the obvious one. For me, it NEVER is.
This morning I was listening to Dr. Maya Angelou. She reflected a truth which I hold inside.
“What is the basis of your forgiveness?” she was asked.
“Mine is love.” she replied. “Where I do not trust is those who just say let’s just forget and move on.”
Maybe it is part of my blood. Maybe it is my intuition. Maybe it is who I have become. But this is a place where I trust myself.
I have begun to see that there is a real difference between MOVING ON and FORGIVENESS.
As far as I am concerned. If healing has occurred, then no matter how painful, you have it within you to speak about it. Maybe with a team of support, but it is possible. It is possible because you have done the work to get yourself there.
As I said earlier, love is a choice. Dr. Angelou said, “Love saves me and it saves us all.”
With each breath, no matter how hard it may be, I choose to sit in love.
What will you choose?