Yoga Far Off the Mat: Nothing Left Unsaid

More love. More grace. More forgiveness.

More.

When I heard her words I asked myself, “Who are you now? Who would you be in that situation? How can you do better?”

And then I answered: “Just keep showing up.”

No matter death, loss, fragmentation, estrangement, anger, betrayal, rejection, abandonment…

Your sister is the relationship that you are inextricably tied to. Your blood bound, genetic material. You see each other’s expressions in the mirror.

Sometimes it’s as simple as the way someone else catches her breath. The way she used to. Or those words linked together in that precise way. Or… well, of course, that song.

Yes.

You may be as different as oil and vinegar, but you would probably still show up under extraordinary circumstances if that phone call came and you did not know what to do.

Yes.

So many years have gone by. Years lost. Years of not knowing each other. Years possibly wasted not knowing each other.

I know I always pushed for more.

From the time I was a small child.

I would push.

Her door was so often shut and I was the one who wanted to enter.

To enter places I was not invited into.

To enter places which were so carefully guarded.

Already determined closed.

I would knock.

I would ask.

I would ask again.

I pushed.

I pushed for what was not mine to have and what was the only thing there to ask for.

* * *

I’ve tried to tell you what you could not really hear.

That this heartbeat of mine extended far and wide and could always hear your own: whether yours was hurting or lonely or wanted to harm me, or toss me away. It held you. It held space for yours to keep beating without shame or fear. Without turning away. Without silencing you.

This heartbeat of mine held you.

In sorrow. In hope. In hopelessness. In dignity.

My heart still beats steadily and fully, even though you have needed it to beat on in spite of yours.

I am.

I am your sister.

I have always been on the other side of the door.

Here is what I learned:

I love.

I love it here.

I am not someone who disappears.

There is no reason to push.

For anything.